Thankfulness, Day 16

Today I am thankful. That’s what I set out to do, afterall. I wanted to change my attitude about the way I saw the world, just as I vow to do every year. And whether I’m thankful for abstract concepts or things which are very much concrete, I try to keep those ideals in my head, remembering the reasons why I’m thankful for them in the first place. Today, I could not find a concrete thing, so I went for the abstract. But before I get to what it is exactly, I think I want to share a story.

When I was a child and the all powerful “they” asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was a coroner. I was reprimanded for that answer, and was told that being a doctor was something I should want to focus on instead. I was five.

When I was in elementary school, I told people that I could heal them with leaves and would go around placing frsh picked leaves on any scrapes and injuries there were. I was then informed about germs and germ theory, and how there were things in motion about the way the body healed itself that I didn’t understand. I was 9. 

When I was in middle school, I thought I wanted to play volleyball. Although the season was tough, I lasted through it. I even become a valued player. I was told that quitters will never succeed and that even if I was completely miserable, I was not supposed to give up. I was supposed to suffer through it. (This advice did NOT come from my parents, but rather from the mother of another player.) I was 13.

When I was in high school, I assumed I could change the world and save everyone in it. I lost countless hours of sleep, cried with other people, uplifted spirits who were torn to shreds. It is then that I learned that if you really want to help someone, they have to want to hep themselves. I had been a pawn in the lives of people who soon forgot about my efforts, even though I never forgot about them. I was 15.

When I went to college, I thought it would be just like high school-something I could easily succeed at if I just paid attention. How wrong I again was. College broke through my assumptions an pinned me to the wall, beating me for my metaphorical lunch money. It was then that I learned that sometimes I will just know nothing. I was 18.

When I got married, I thought it would be just like dating, only my private life would become, you know-private. But it was then that I learned the true power of gossip. I was 21.

I’ve never fit into the mold neatly, or even altogether willingly. I’ve been too much of some things and not enough of others. People have used me as a way to see their own ends, just as I have done so to others. I have been to the depths of my soul, broken down by the hurtful words of bullies, who didn’t understand that the number on the scale, or the one which represented my bank account were not the things which defined me as a person. I have heard the hateful words of wellwishers, pushing me down paths that were more acceptable because it wasn’t right for “someone so gifted to be so morbid”. I have heard the lessons, felt the sting and have risen from my past, more alive than before.

Today, I am thankful that I was never quite right. I was always too much, or not enough. My heart came too big, just like my waistline and my bank account was never full enough. That I spent too much time hearing the cries of others and not enough time quelling slander directed at tearing me down. Am I perfect? Hardly! Am I bulletproof? Not a chance! I’m not a robot and words do hurt. But what I am is myself, and in then end, all that happened simply led me to be who I wanted to be-for all the exactly right reasons.   

  

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5 thoughts on “Thankfulness, Day 16

  1. This is really sad, yet happy and hopeful. I’m so glad you ended up being you, and didn’t let what other people say truly stop you from being wonderful and being yourself!! People can be so cruel sometimes, I don’t understand it. And no one should tell you what you can and can’t be, or that you have to suffer through something! Quitting is sometimes a good thing. Another ironic thing; I was older than five, but I always wanted to be a coroner too!! Then I didn’t want to go through quite all that schooling, plus getting a job can be challenging, so I settled for a mortician. I even went to a local funeral home and watched and helped with a funeral there. I’m still very interested in that field, but I think I’ve kind of given up actually doing it. How crazy!

    1. That is pretty crazy! We’re obviously the Wonder Twins!
      It makes me crazy that social pressures will condemn someone for being different. I feel Like I was crafted to be different, but it’s definitely not always been my outlook. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with non-conformity, and even now it still makes me sad. Still, I need no pity, I just want other people to know that it’s okay to go against the flow sometimes:)

      1. The Wonder Twins! Yes, I like that! 😀 I know what you mean, and I think it’s great you’re putting it out there that going against the flow can be pretty amazing, when that’s who you are and who you should be! Swimming upstream makes you stronger anyhow. 🙂

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