Thankfulness, Day 21

It’s taken me all day to think up a post for today. I feel like I’ve done a lot of great topics already. Did I cover everything? Certainly not. Am I done being thankful? No. And as seems to be my style, a story would benefit.

I can name a dozen ways to explain why I am the way I am. Sagittarian. First born. Cat person. Daughter of the eclipsing moon. INFP. Born-again pagan. College student. Vegetarian. Wife. 

All of those things affect a certain portion of who I am, but it isn’t an entire picture.

Who I am is a legion of people, all crammed inside one body. I am the one who fulfills duties, fulfills roles set out because of the choices that I have made (daughter, wife, sister). I am the one who devoted my life to learning. I am the one who chooses not to eat meat. I am the one who desires the company of a select few in place of being part of the popular crowd (maybe I am a cat). I am the one who looks within, observes more than judges and is left with more questions than answers. One who is born under an eclipse is more likely to be one who is driven by passion and consumed by it (A binary). I am the one who is many.
  Part of the reason I’m having so much trouble finding things to write about is because it is the end of the semester and I just can’t. I know that there is much stress, but it’s more than that. I’m not saying this because I want a bunch of people to reach out and say “You’ve got this.” I’m writing it because I promised to always tell the truth. And to tell only part of the truth is telling a lie. 

I can never tell the full story of my life, because it is not over. I wake up each day a new person, someone I was not the day before. Because I keep fighting to make myself better. And therefore, I am different each day. Not necessarily better or worse. Just different. But the thing is, it’s exceptionally easy to just get caught in the moment, in the same rut that consumes me each time and have to stop. It’s like making your way through the desert because you need to get out, but coming back to the same oasis because you can’t seem to find your way.

I feel like a burden. Like I ask for help more than I am able to give it. I make up for that in my mannerisms or at least I try to. But at the end of the day, my attempts take quite a bit out of me and I am reduced to being the same girl I was in high school: insecure, broken. Last night, I kept my very accepting husband up for a while because I had conviced myself that I wasn’t pulling my weight in our marriage. I was reduced to tears, wondering why it fell to me to be the one who had so many opportunities and advantages, but to be unable to use them.

I am smart. I am confident. I am succeeding in life (as much as I can, anyway). But not one single ounce of that mattered. My life became defined by a series of counter-facts: I am worthless. I am stupid. I am never going to succeed. And it’s a trend that I always feel coming, like a black cloud hanging low. Sometimes I forget words, or replace them with the wrong ones (yesterday I replaced “crutches” with “stilts” and couldn’t remember the word “sandwich”). Sometimes I just go blank-like a robot without emotions. And sometimes it’s like my entire life has been a lie and if I was happy-it surely must have been all pretend. I couldn’t understand why someone with dreams, goals and aspirations could be broken into someone without hope, happiness or inspiration. In the grand scheme of things, surely it wasn’t fair.

And that is what I focused on today. I’m not thankful for the hard times. To be that way would be ridiculous. No one wakes up and says “Oh thank goodness today is a really shitty day. I’ve had far too many good ones.” Instead, I am thankful for small things. A warm cup of coffee with chocolate chip cookie dough creamer. Rain hitting the window. It’s hard for someone like me, with so many binaries (like being introverted, but wanting to make friends/wanting to feel everything deeply, but not wanting to be consumed by feelings) to not get overwhelmed by days like yesterday. But in the end, I have to remember that there is only one truth that doesn’t ever change.

                                  The sun will rise again.

  That quote may be my tattoo quote, with an entire portion of skin dedicated to the most serene sunrise a tattoo artist can make, but we’ll see. The point is, I’m not thankful for bad days, hard days, or even the days which never end and suck you into a thick black depression. I hate those days. But what I am thankful for is the dawn. I am thankful that all things come to an end. And I am thankful that I am there to see the sun rise once more. 

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7 thoughts on “Thankfulness, Day 21

  1. Thank you for writing this. It’s hard to be honest. I’m feeling like that right now – worthless. You’re so young sweetheart, that’s where my brain goes to give you some kind of comfort in the potential of time. My time is much further along on the continuum and I feel weathered for sure. I look at photos of me, before my kids, when I got married and I mourn that person, but it’s mostly an ego thing. I mourn the way I looked, because I’ve always had these cycles and negative/destructive thought patterns.
    Big big hug to you.

    1. Thank you for your kind words, and a most sincere hug back.
      I know I have a lot of life left, but it’s so easy to get caught up in these little vortex moments, as I’m sure you know. But we always pick back up, a little bit at a time.
      I think that’s exactly the way to describe it-mourning. The pain and sadness feels like death, sure enough. But I hope you find some sunshine in your day. And even if it all just hurts right now, we’ll both make it to the happiness again. I believe in you:)

  2. I think that would be a wonderful and beautiful tattoo! Being honest is hard, but it really is great to let people know who you are and how you’re feeling, so you don’t have to work so hard on trying to be someone else. (I still struggle with trying to do that!) It’s okay to have dark days, everyone does. It sucks ass, but it does happen. You just can’t let them get you too down, and I think your outlook on always looking for the dawn is beautiful and the way to do it. I also like what you said about not liking bad days, because honestly who does? Add that to your blog of quotes. 🙂 Big hugs, much love, and cookie dough coffee creamer to you!! 😀

    1. Haha thanks for backing me up. I get stuck in the crap all too often and being brutally honest is something that helps. Even so, I have to reign that in because sometimes the “truth” is just what your emotions are telling you, so the line is drawn I guess. Even so, the days when I’m the most realistic seem to be the ones where people really like my thoughts, so I guess I’ll keep that up!

      1. That’s a really good point; I’ve never really thought about how on the bad days the emotions tell you what’s “true” and that usually isn’t accurate. Great point. I agree that when I’m most realistic it seems that people like my thoughts the most too, so I also try to keep it up! Haha. 🙂 So I know where you’re coming from!

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