10 Things Bipolar People DON’T Want You To Know

I can’t count the number of articles I’ve come across with the title # Things Bipolar People Want/Wish You Knew or the List Of Things People With Mental Illnesses Wish People Understood. And for the most part, they’re pretty spot on. But I want to come at it from a different angle. I’ve done my best to keep it pretty similar in format, but if you feel I got something wrong, or missed a key point, drop me a comment! (Images thanks to Google-I own nothing.)

  1. We’re scared of our symptoms too.

bp2There’s nothing quite like the dive between (hypo)mania and depression when you feel like you can see the world crumbling around you. Or the emptiness that makes you feel like a dead (wo)man walking-no cares, no love, nothing. Or the darkest parts of depression when it hurts to cry because you’re trying not to wake anyone, so you silent sob but then you realize you aren’t breathing either and your chest is on fire, but it also feels like you’ve got a ton of bricks on top of you. You wonder if it’s possible to be so sad that you die from it. You walk around with the stress of what could happen if you have a manic episode. The way you lock up your credit cards, carry around only a limited amount of cash because you know you can’t stop yourself from spending everything you have. The way you stay home because you know you’re bound to get into a bad situation because you’ve been manic for a few days and now you’re bored. No matter how “together” we feel we’ve got it, there are days when we are genuinely concerned that

2. We’ve given up hope for ourselves more than you

We know that sometimes we’re a hot mess. Hearing you say “I’m done.” when we have a bad day (or too many in a row), or watching you go for a drive because you “can’t handle” us at the moment just reminds us that we’re alone. And as many times as you’ve grown tired of us, we’ve done that twice as much with ourselves. bp7 If we trust you enough to open up, it’s because we know that we’re eventually going to fail ourselves and we need you to pick up the pieces. It’s not fair of us to smother you in our problems, but if we could figure out how to not make them problems, or how to deal with them on our own, we wouldn’t need help so much. In the end, when the words “I suck” are said, it’s our inner demons speaking and we need you to tell us why we shouldn’t believe them again.

3. We genuinely don’t need a reason to be upset (in any mood) and it makes us trust you less when you yell at us that we DO need a reason.

If we knew why we felt the way we did, we could fix it. We have a mood disorder, not an analysis-of-the-situation disorder. If we’re showing you we have a problem, don’t force us to talk about it before we’re ready. It just makes it worse and we’ll lie about why we’re upset because we just want you to be happy that there is a reason-even if there isn’t. If we have to lie to you, then we don’t respect you as much, because we already fell like we’re lying to ourselves. And lying to anyone else is just a repeat of what we’ve wanted to get away from.

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4. We feel like actors. A Lot. And no, we don’t want to “remove our mask”.

bp1Feeling (hypo)manic? Better find a reason for being able to put in all the extra work, being extra chatty, being extra social. Feeling depressed? Better find a reason to feel sad. Or, better find a way to hide it behind the words “tired”, “sick”, and “allergies”. No one think to question the high-functioning worker or student, especially if it’s peak work time-end of the year sales, there’s a special on at work, it’s final’s season. We blame it on too much caffeine, the hyper form of exhaustion, being really excited for a goal or even wanting to get something done so that you can do something else (the key “give aways” here are goal orientation and chaos). Everyone avoids the depressed, especially if it’s the grey-faced, bags-under-the-eyes, slow-as-molasses individuals who seem to act like that for days. Everyone asks about the first day- “what’s wrong”, “need anything” and so on. But even the answers to those are lies. “Just tired”, “stressed”, “coming down with something”. It’s easier to just go on with the lies than it is to explain everything to every person. Because inevitably we’ll get the “avoidance” treatment ALL the time.

5. Looking at other, more successful people with Bipolar Disorder makes us feel like a disaster.

It is both a blessing and a curse to see the people who have come before (or are presently) and were (are) successful AND bipolar. Van Gogh. Lovato. Van Damme. Cobain. Churchill. Nightingale. Sinatra.Woolf. Artists, Singers, Actors, Leaders and more have graced history with their talents and their diagnoses, some of them succumbing to their disorders, some becoming great advocates. bp6 Not everyone with Bipolar Disorder is going to go on and be famous and we KNOW that. But it hurts quite a lot that some of the people who were most successful at their craft had it and we share a condition and aren’t sharing in the capabilities. It’s easy for us to start a painting or sculpture, musical instrument, novel, poem, whatever and then destroy it because we listen to the voice that says “you’ll never get noticed.” While we’re happy for the successful people with bipolar disorder, we want to be like them too and that usually doesn’t happen.

6. We’re absolutely normal-just in a more spectacular capacity.

successsWhether we want to admit it or not, we’re completely normal. We eat, drink, breathe and exist the same as anyone else. But we do so in a broader spectrum. We experience great sorrow at the loss of a friend, or freedom, or innocence. We experience great anger at perceived injustices, at inequality. We experience pure joy at the birth of our best friend’s first child, at the sight of a rainbow or a thunderstorm, at the realization that we succeeded at a task we’d never tried before. Where other people may feel confused, we feel it more. Where others may feel concern, we feel the weight of the world. It’s not about the Hollywood stereotype of the best-friend-turned-serial-killer. We have jobs that we fight desperately to keep, we have friends and families and we go to school. Just the same as any body else. We just live it more.

7. We become specialists in our diagnoses and we don’t appreciate being compared to your “crazy aunt” or your “moody neighbor”.

It’s nice when people have had genuine contact or a relationship with someone who actually had bipolar disorder. It’s nice to know that if you have an episode, you can talk to them and they can help you through it. It isn’t AT ALL nice when people pretend they understand. We aren’t like your “crazy aunt” who threw your uncle’s things out of the house because he broke her favorite plate. And we aren’t like your “moody neighbor” who doesn’t smile when you say good morning and cackles over his cup of black coffee at a kid who falls off their bike. We just experience life in a deeper spectrum (see number 6). bp4 And while we’re on the topic, STOP calling the weather bipolar. That’s offensive to the people who actually have bipolar and that’s altogether not hilarious. We get it, you have problems with the weather. Bipolar disorder has the capacity to destroy our lives. Pack a sweater and an umbrella. You’ll be fine.

8. We could write a dissertation on suicide and the types of suicidal tendencies.

bp9Everyone, just about, is familiar with the concept of suicide, and there may even be people who have experience with it on a more personal basis. A person with bipolar is exceptionally likely to thought about, if not tried suicide. But there’s more to it than being depressed and then dying. There’s plenty more motives than people want to discuss. And then there are the latent forms of suicidal tendencies. Because most people are familiar with the “I don’t want to live anymore” version. Not as many people think about the “I want to sleep and not wake up” kind or the “I wish I could just cease to be” kinds. We could write novels about this subject in particular and probably come pretty close to making it the encyclopedia of suicidal tendencies and things you never thought to associate with them.

9. We go between being really proud of who we are and feeling like a giant mistake

bp3.jpgWe know it’s a hassle. But some days we wake up feeling like we run the world. And those days are so few and far between that we run with them in the farthest possible manner. Because soon enough, we know there will come a day when we just can’t seem to do anything right. It isn’t that the days when we feel epic are the truth and the other days are lies. It’s more fluid, more layered than that. We are experts at living in all the times (past, present and future). So when we say “We rock” it is at that moment, we feel we have reached a milestone of success which can be seen at that moment. When we say “we suck” it is because at that moment all we can see are the failures. It doesn’t mean we’re completely failures or completely successes, it’s just what looks more prevalent at that particular moment.

10. We don’t know how to live our lives.

The sentence that seems to pop up the most lately is that of “adulting is hard”. There are even renditions which say “I’m done adulting. If you want me, I’ll be in my pillow fort with my coloring book.” At some point, we have come to realize that we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing. We can find things which help us manage our symptoms safely and in a positive way. We can avoid triggers. We can accept only what we can reasonably handle. But in the end, we don’t know what we’re doing. There is no manual for living with bipolar disorder. And even if there was, not everyone is the same, so it might not work for us. Funnily enough though, not too many people (with AND without the diagnosis) know how to live their lives. Turns out, people with bipolar disorder just might be the firs tot admit the way that everyone is feeling. No one knows what’s going on. And that’s part of the fun.

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47 thoughts on “10 Things Bipolar People DON’T Want You To Know

  1. I could relate to 9 of the points, but I don’t have a bipolar disorder. Or atleast I think so.
    I’m seriously considering taking a test for that.
    Any suggestions? How did you discover yours?

    1. I “got lucky” with my diagnosis. And I know I kept a lot of what I said pretty generic, so it could also fit BPD, Schiz, SchizA and others. (Plus, the last thing on the list was my way of saying that at some point we all feel like this list-diagnosis or not.) But as for my “story”: I was in high school and had a depressive psychotic break, which is when I was shipped straight to a host of counselors. Unfortunately there aren’t any “tests”-or at least none that I know of. It’s all just explaining how you feel and how it changes and hoping there’s a doctor who isn’t completely out of the loop with the signs and symptoms of mental health issues. I wish you well, no matter what you decide to do:)

      1. My goal with blogs like this, is to just express my story in a way that other people can relate to. I just want other people to know that they aren’t as alone as they think. Not enough people talk about the really important things that come with a mental health diagnosis. I’m glad what I said helped. I hope you have a wonderful weekend, filled with peace and hope.

      2. I’ve linked you in my next post. Reading this post is a huge thing that lead to so much. You’ll understand that when you read it.

        And I can relate to your purpose of writing your experiences. Even if it helps one person improvise their life, it’s worth it.

        You are really an awesome being! Glad I came across your blog.

      3. I am beyond honored that you have stumbled upon my story:) I’ll most definitely be looking for your blog! I love listening to people’s histories, to the way they’ve come into themselves. And I am thankful that people like you have chosen to read mine. I’ve said a few times that I desire to be the Starfish Girl, the “I made a difference to that one” person. I know sometimes what I say is a little out there for people, but my heart is always in it, 100%. I wish you all the blessings of little miracles!

  2. Once again Michelle, you are speaking my heart. I actually printed this article. I told hubby if he wanted to read it he could, but I am definitely taking it to my therapist on Friday. We are looking at this from the perspective of loss and grief for myself. I’m still in denial, so is hubby.

    1. ❤ I'm honored to be reading material to be passed around. I'm so sorry you're at a low point. I hope your appointment goes well on Friday and that you find some closure and peace. It would seem that this little blog made a big ripple, when all I did was try to be honest. I hope it helps explain things that we often don't have words for.

    1. Thank you so much! I absolutely abhor the weather thing. I used to just brush it off but now I actually stop people and tell them why they should find better vocabulary.

      1. A lot of people just don’t think about it. They hear it used by someone else and think “huh, that’s perfect.” And then use it. But when asked why, and what makes the weather fitter diagnosis, they usually stop. All about respect.

  3. This is incredible. You have truly captured some of the worst parts of this disease. I wish I could explain this to people in my life, but it would scare them too much. We live in public, but we have such a private illness.

    1. Thank you for your kind words! I definitely understand the life of secrecy-I’ve lost friends and family who couldn’t really grasp the gravity and “chronic” symptoms of bipolar. I’ve decided that being silent about it was personally not going to work-which is why I do the blogs:) If other people can feel like there’s someone who understands them, then that’s half the battle, I think. I love the way you phrased that: We live in public, but we have such a private illness. That’s beautifully said and I can’t agree more.

  4. Reblogged this on Swimming Upstream and commented:
    I don’t often reblog, but I was felt compelled to share this. This post by Michelle really captures the feelings of bipolar people who don’t want to scare away everyone else. We never tell our loved ones the whole truth because of the fear it might be too much for them to handle. Michelle writes some of the things we want to keep secret from everyone.

    1. Thank you for re-blogging as well as commenting. I hope this article helps other people come to the understanding we have had to come to through a path of shame, hiding and mixed emotions.

  5. No one ever told me this, somehow I found out that if you use more than 15 tags, your post won’t get properly distributed by WordPress so that the optimum amount of people read it. Please double check me, but this post deserves to be read by as broad an audience as possible. I would suggest you submit it to The Mighty if you haven’t done so.

    1. Thanks for the heads up! I’ll definitely look into that. And thank you for the kind words! I’ve tried to get in with some other pieces through The Mighty, but I’ll try this one too!

    1. Thank you so much for the re-blog! I thought perhaps a lot of people might relate if they had any sort of mental illness, and I’m glad you thought it was a good read 🙂

      1. Well, I am both glad and sad. Because some of these things on the list are so incredibly sad, but I’m glad so many people have found the courage to say hey, I understand this.

    1. I’m glad you liked it! I definitely felt like this was something a lot of people might empathize with-but certainly had no idea this many people would! It seems we are never as alone as we think we are. Writing the weather bit was my favorite. I put as much sass as possible into it!

  6. I want to thank you for putting into words what I can’t say. It’s hard enough existing some days, let alone trying to identify what it is you are feeling or thinking to anyone else. Thank you so much for the words.

    1. First, let me thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m sad that it’s something lots of people relate to, but it’s been wonderful finding such a large community of people who completely understand the struggles of day to day life. I’m glad I was able to find the right words at the right time!

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