After All This Time.

Greetings all! It’s been a while, and for that I am sorry. Today isn’t going to be a news day, it is going to be a catch-up day. By that, I most definitely mean a checklist of things for me to think about.

First, thank you new followers, old followers, people who occasionally comment and like, and people who read my stuff and think “huh, not bad”. I appreciate it. Quite a lot, in fact.

My senior year has started! Today is day three and it has most definitely been busy-busy. I feel incredibly “active” always and it’s only just started.

My senior year in college oddly mirrors that of my high school one. And that kinda concerns me. I mean, not because I’m naive about life and have no idea what’s in store, but because of this weird funk that I’ve been in these past few weeks. As a senior in high school, I’d have been one of the first people to laugh out the word “senioritis”. I’d have meant it, believed in it, used it as a saving power if ever I needed a day to myself. The college version? Depression. Crap. That’s no good.

I was watching a YouTube video by HeyoDamo about how he lost his job to depression. And he said the words (I’m mostly paraphrasing): I thought that my depression was because I was unemployed. I got a job doing what I love and I had those same feelings come back and get worse and worse…There were times when I just “checked out”.

I can completely understand. Education is wrapped into my ego, into how I define myself. At the age of three (according to my parents) I told them I needed to go to school. I cried the first time I got an A- because I thought I’d failed. (That was second grade.) And I knew I was going to college because that’s what smart people do. The thing is, about the time August started, I got sucked into this pit of depression and I’m clawing my way out (I think).

I haven’t written in so long because I felt I had nothing to say. I mean, I wrote a post about being depressed, but it’s carried over. And I want to define the parameters of it today. *Monster by Imagine Dragons*

Okay then. We need some background, I think. I’ll list it instead of paragraphs because the factors are numerous. 

-A lot of balls in the air: my proposal still hasn’t had a decision made, my financial aid is still being finalized, my LSAT score is low for my GPA, applications are very expensive, my husband and I might not be going to the same grad school (or even state).

-The feeling of inadequacy: I posted about my “Van Gogh feelings”, but include in here my weight, my stress management and my inability to control the “balls in the air”.

-Underlying factors: low self-esteem, senior year jitters, mental health conditions and just “stress”

I’m taking a full semester of classes. Four of my six classes are required, two are electives.  And I like about half of those classes (electives included). So here’s the problem. I call it my “crisis of conscience”.

I know I will save lives beyond my mental capacity following my law school path. I will leave the world feeling like I made the difference I always wanted to. And I do. I want to fix so many problems.I absolutely can too. I know it.

But.

There is some small piece of me, that however selfishly, still needs to run away. And I don’t mean in a literal sense, but in a “I want to do what makes me happy” kind of way. 

Instead of getting into the specifics (because I haven’t necessarily found a conclusion to that dilemma) I’m just going to say this:

Senior year is supposed to be the year of memories, of mistakes, of changes which will affect my whole life. But for right now at least, it just feels like I’m repeating lines I said years ago, making decisions I’ve made before and returning to a life I’m pretty sure I spent the last 5 years trying to escape from.

Depression is crap. But the sun will rise again, and so must I.

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2 thoughts on “After All This Time.

  1. I understand the running away part. I’ve wanted to do that literally and figuratively for decades now. You are struggling in an environment that would make anyone anxious and likely even depressed. It is crap but it is okay. I think sometimes we have to remind ourselves that sometimes depression is because of our circumstances at the moment and not always because of our diagnosis. Doing that has allowed me to be a bit easier on myself when it happens.

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