Quit Asking For Easy

My oh my! What a lovely thing to take a break from the news and come back to find a spike in readers and followers and all around interest. You have my humble thanks, as always. To find value in what I have to say means that I’m making a difference, asking the right questions. 

So I want to address why I’ve been mysteriously absent. No one asked me where I was, but I feel like lessons can be gained from a modicum of transparency. Plus, it further illustrates the point that we are all connected in a much larger picture. (I mean, one of my favorite things to look at is the way humanity ebbs and flows. Sometimes I get to see it in my own life, sometimes in others.)

November 28. My university was under a lock-down for a good long while on the 28th because of an attack on students. 11 people were taken to the emergency room for injuries directly related to the attack. The attacker was brought down and ultimately died right outside of the building where I work and have my major classes. I wasn’t on campus that day, but all of the people I care about at the university were and I reached out to each of them to make sure they were okay. They saw the whole thing. And the response teams were cleaning blood off of the sidewalks for two days after the event. That was something I kept looking at, asking the questions that these events often bring to the surface.

The LSAT-Take Two. I was supposed to take the LSAT again on Saturday. In the building right beside mine, where the attacker was shot down. I withdrew my registration and sent explanation emails to the schools I applied to. I also decided I was not going to be retaking the LSAT before applications needed to be in. I accepted that the scores I had were the ones I would be judged on. The schools responded with understanding and well-wishes.

The Meltdown. I am a passionate person. When I am happy, I am happy to the fullest. I am invincible and giddy and on top of the world. When I am sad, there is no one who can lift my spirits. I am morose, I am depressed, I am wading through the depths of hell. And there is nothing to suggest that I would not feel confusion at those same extremes. And that is what happened. I seem to have come to a very rough crossroads. And it all has to do with what kind of person I am.

You see, I spoke with a friend a while ago and I was complaining that I was a “Watson trying to be a Sherlock”. Now, what I meant by this is that I am a supportive figure. I help other people find their passions and direction. But I want more. I want to be in the spotlight. I want to be the one people look up to. I’m tired of being used for what I can offer and having no one (with the exception of my husband) to see how much I care about others. And her reponse (goddess love her) was “There is no shame in being a Watson. Sherlock would be in rehab or dead without his.” I, of course, was not as responsive to this, as I could not reconcile the frustration I was experiencing. But trust and believe, that message came back to me several times over in the coming days.

The Resolution. To say that I struggle with who I am is probably the biggest understatement. Who I am, who I want to be and how to get there are all at odds with each other it would seem. What I think I know is no longer useful, as I am over-analyzing everything-to the point of insanity. The way this break from social media and whatnot turned out is that I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know who I am, where my life is taking me. I don’t know.

And that’s okay.

Because the minute I sit down and think about all the things I think I know, I cut myself off from all of the things I could know but don’t.

So my “resolution” is to experience-not know. Knowledge changes. Every science student knows (ha!) that what is printed in their textbooks is only good and factual for a couple years at most. And then something happens and the information becomes obsolete. So why am I so focused on “knowing”?

I adore the movie “The Bucket List” with Morgan Freeman. And it got me thinking. I have a bucket list (a list of things you want to accomplish before you kick the bucket). Why should I hold off on doing those things until I’m dying? That seems rather dumb to me.

Instead of waiting around for a convenient time to do things, I need to make time. So I will. It starts with graduation. And then, I take on the world. Maybe I’ll do a separate blog for my bucket list-so I can be accountable haha!

Accomplishment, Action, Attack

Today. Goodness gracious today. You have some days when you really feel like you’re doing your best and then life craps out on you. That was my day today. And because I am in a sharing mood, would you like to hear a story?

Today started by me waking up, asking my husband if he was going in today. He said no. That means: I drive myself to and from school. If you’ve followed me since the “Here be Dragons” post, you’ll know that driving is a big stressor for me. But I knew I could do it. So I took the dog out and went to work. I made it!

Half way through my shift, I get a text from my husband telling me that he actually had to go in today, and that he had to be on campus before 5 to turn in a form. So I email my professor and tell him that I will not be in class today. He calls down to the office where I work and we have the following conversation:

Professor: Hi Michelle, is there any possible way you could walk with me to class today? I’m having some problems with my kidney stones and I want to make sure someone is there to keep me from falling.

Me: Yea, of course! I’ll be down a few minutes before class starts.

And so I arrive with ten minutes to spare and hear him. The man is obviously in pain. He has his cane, and I’m on the other side of him. We make it about half way down the hall and he goes down. Now, I’m not proud to admit this, but I was really no help. I made sure he didn’t hit his head, but that was about the extent of my capabilities. I called for one of my bosses, who came out and with him came another professor. I was instructed to cancel class and keep things to a minimum. I did my best there. (I knew he would be in capable hands-I would not have been able to pick him up anyway, and my boss knew how to contact his wife.) So I ensure that that happens and I prepare myself to drive home.

timeforaction

I drive, and guess what? I make it! Without incident. And it was my first time ever driving home too:) I switch my husband seats when I get there though (because I hadn’t eaten and he brought me a snack) and we head back to campus. I recount my tale and we arrive. He bolts off to his building, having switched places again and I commence driving around in circles to wait for him. It takes about 6 go rounds, but he returns and we switch one final time, preparing to head home.

On our way to the line of cars, we chat about dinner, and how I don’t want to eat out because we have leftovers. Once we are in the line, it’s very much just stopped traffic. Then out of nowhere BAM! We’ve been rear ended. I really wish I was making this up, but I’m not. My husband gets out of the car and looks at the damage. As it would turn out, the guy who hit us (who is LAUGHING at us, btw) has more damage than we do, so we leave to come home. No, we’re not going to report it, because that would just raise our rates and that’s just no good. (i made sure he was okay, and I made sure I was okay, and that’s the important part!) I’m thinking we’re both gonna take it easy for the next few days regardless. So we get to the gas station that we frequent by our apartment and try to fill the tire with air only to find out (after the fact) that the pump is only letting air out of the tires, not putting air in. So we give up, grab some food and head home.

fender-bender

(This is NOT our accident, it’s just the best representation of what happened. They suffered a pretty obnoxious front end issue and we managed to not really have any damage, except a slight crack to the bumper.)

I literally don’t know how today could have been anymore adrenaline packed, but all I can say is that I am glad that today marks the first evening of spring break, because I really have had quite about enough. I will email my professor and see how he’s doing soon. Maybe we all need more chocolate today.

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I guess the deal with today is that sometimes you are the lucky one and sometimes you’re not. Sometimes the money comes, and sometimes the money goes. When you do everything right, something still might go wrong. And it’s okay. Life will throw curve balls at you when you least expect it-because you least expect it. But at the end of the day, you can either tame your dragons or be eaten by them. Because life isn’t going to just take it easy on you because you’re “disadvantaged”, it’s going to force you to rise above. And that’s exactly what I plan on doing.