A Weird Day

Coming back to this blog after such an extended break is a bit surreal. All the posts I’ve done about important topics came to a stand-still. I was, to be frank, uninspired. I was burnout. And to some extent, I’m still a little bit of those things.

I got stuck in the loop of “it has to be catchy or else don’t post it”. That led to a bunch of non-blogging and an absolute rubbish outlook.

So I’m pulling back to my roots.

I don’t want to get too far into the weeds, but this isolation bit is funky, no? There I am, completing my hospital-based internship, weeks from graduation and then BAM. Covid. Everything switched to online, the hospital asked students to step aside for their own safety, graduation cancelled. And all this put me in a weird place.

I’m not upset about moving to online classes. Honestly, I hated that commute. I’m an introvert naturally, so I don’t need as much human connection as someone who’s purely extroverted. Zoom meetings do it for me. It’s been nice to see all the ways that I can rest and reset from constant interaction. Make no mistake, this is a hybernation period. I will likely never get to this place again in my adult life. And that’s why I’m using it to my advantage.

I’ve done some telehealth trainings, and been working on my exam prep (I still need to pass my licensing exam before I get a job). I’ve been improving my professional skills as best as I can. I’ve been completing classes. I sewed more masks than I have ever done in my life. I’m baking all kinds of recipes. I’m staying home.

Because the logic brain and the creative brain are at war for me.

On the one hand, I’m staying isolated because it could save my life and the lives of others. I began making masks for those exact same reasons. I take my temperature twice a day, I put the masks in a ziplock, sealed for 3 days before they leave my house. I am exceptionally analytical about how clean things are in my house, meal prep, professional growth activities, classes.

But on the other, I get to set my own schedule. I get to wake up and draw smiley faces with pancake mix. I get to grind and make fresh coffee each morning. I get to focus on living in small moments-usually on my porch where my pea plants are just starting to expand their leaves. I get to drink sweet tea and watch the thunderstorms. Reconnect with a slower, more deliberate me.

And there are days where I can do none of those things. I spend the day lethargically glued to my phone (which is glued to its charger) playing word puzzles under the ruse that “it’s brain activities”. I baked four separate desserts yesterday because I wanted to pretend like I was on a cooking show.

This morning, I woke up before the sun. Without an alarm. If you don’t know me in person, you will know that that is a sure sign I’ve probably been abducted and body-swapped. And yet, there I was. I checked for homework, reviewed my calendar, made a grocery list, checked my plant children, then made 2.5 dozen masks.

I’m not entirely sure what all this says. I think it’s me trying to find my way through this weird time. Someone said it would be useful to document the goings-on of the virus. But I don’t honestly want to focus on the dark and heavy today. Today I just want to get back to the weird laundry list that is my life.

Perhaps tomorrow.

A Rant, If You Will

I’m almost 23 years old. I work hard to be the best adult I can be. That means some very specific things to me. (This list is in no way complete. It’s just a snapshot.)

1. Paying bills before buying non-essentials

2. Putting others before myself, but never neglecting myself

3. Being responsible

It is this last one that I need to rant about currently.

If you say you are going to be somewhere or do something or behave in a certain manner, you had best do it. I know life comes up, but that is only an excuse once or twice. Any more than that and you are WELL aware that you are not capable. For example. I have a really large issue driving and being in a car in general. It’s PTSD from a bad crash a couple years ago. Therefore, I do not volunteer to drive places. And since I moved to the big city, I am forced to either push my comfort zone or be a shut in and ask my kind friends to come to me. I do not say “Oh yes! I would love to drive!” and then back out, because I am aware of my personal limitations. 

Moreover, I am bipolar. I know this, and now so do you. I don’t use it as an excuse, it is simply a part of me. I have periods of time where it is difficult for meto get out of bed, change into anything besides pajamas, or even brush my hair. I also have periods where I sleep half an hour a day and think that a 20 page paper is no sweat. But no matter which of those moments I am in, I force myself to keep up with my general way of life. Going to class, wearing day clothes, doing homework, doing house chores, answering my texts and phone calls. It is difficult, but I do it because I know that I can’t just let my life pass me by. I am the only one who can live it, and there are a great many things on my bucket list that need accomplishing. None of those things will ever be done if I don’t keep pushing myself.

Being responsible means being able to admit when you CANNOT do something just as often as when you CAN. And it bothers me that there are so many “adult aged” individuals that I come in contact with on a daily basis who cannot seem to understand that. I am blessed with the friends who understand what this word means, and for that I am forever thankful. I just wish there were more people who understood the gravity of their actions. I mean, being an adult is no walk in the park, but if you’re going to try walking with the “big boys and girls”, you had darn well have your walking shoes.