Alrighty. One Hour Left.

So I was in a timed exam, and I got done a little early, with no option but to wait out the clock. So I decided I’d set free the little creative bug in me and just have some fun. This is the result of that little window of time, and I must say, it’s rather delightful.

Some background: I had a song stuck in my head at the time, and I was watching the clock. That much is probably evident, but if you’re looking for which song-it’s Goodnight Moon by Go Radio. I chose specifically to not use gender. I also just went a little whimsy with the spoken words-I made up the language as I went. It’s not copied from anything that I am consciously aware.

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Image result for moon free clip art

“So goodnight moon, and goodnight you.”

There they sat, waiting for the final tick of the clock. The batteries had been wearing out slowly and the time had come. Each second took slightly longer than the one before and it was time to say goodbye.

But that was the problem with letting go, wasn’t it? Even something as juvenile and unemotional as a watch battery could find, that in its last moments, care was expressed on its behalf. And what then, could be said for the rest of…stop.

The tarnished plating on the watched seemed to fade. The watch face, once illustriously lilac (or so they had been told), now sat dusty and apparently unimportant, its hands frozen at 3:17. What a time to die.

It was all that remained of their family-this little piece of costume jewelry. Much like those it had belonged to, its importance was solely in the eye of the beholder. The engraving in the band suggested a fascination with darkness, and knowing of the original owner, it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption. However, they were just words to a song, long since forgotten. A relic, not unlike the time piece. What times must have been like then, with music and the importance of knowing your position in the light spectrum. They’d approached each experience as fleeting, but holding on to the sentimental value for far longer than reasonable. Thus the watch.

A brief stretch and up they rose, catching the smell of the pending storm. It was inevitable, as all things were. Drifting to the bank of the river, they looked once more at the cheap metal, hand carved engravings and faded colors. It was an accurate representation of the world they knew-lifeless, soulless and oppressed. But that was coming to an end.

They had no training in music, an art long since banned and forgotten, but a small rectangular object, lodged safely in a pocket was the key to the change oncoming. Remembering-just barely-how to operate it, they keyed up the appropriate symbols of a dying language and hesitated slightly. A dull rhythm behind them.

“Osha na heimawei?” Are you sure this is a good idea? An old friend emerged from the path. No threat, just curiosity-although both responses were illegal.

“Amsu.” Yes, they thought. “Ji esto na heikawa. Esko pa ti antewa.” The world killed itself long ago. I must revive it. “Ni ma toankeishelo.” My destiny must revive the life long lost. The friend extended a hand, which they grasped.

“Shei nakem.” Together then. They pressed the three-tipped button and dialed up a side meter.

“Shestako meinahopaneita. Weitcha hakeifato.” This is how apathy ends. This is how the humanity is exhumed.

“And when our hearts are heavy burdens, we shouldn’t have to bear alone.” They tossed the watch into the river and increased the volume until it reached a deafening level. Light began to emit from the depths of the water, where the metal left ripples.

It was as though the sun rose over the world for the first time in ages. Colors burst forth from each thing the light touched, and it was then that they finally understood the beauty of having open eyes. Instead of the grey and black scale, there existed sights that there were no longer words for.

Their family passed down stories of time before the darkness-when freedom and individuality weren’t oppressed for uniformity. A time when this light reached everywhere and everyone, when sounds were crisp and emotional. Although the language’s nuances were slightly lost on them, the meaning of the song that still filled the air swelled within, like some higher purpose.

Within a couple breaths, enforcement surrounded them and it was then that they understood: neither they nor their friend would see the finale to this new chapter.

“Katek. Meitanopatchema. Katenchezna.” Stand down. Await containment for final processing of crimes committed. Surrender or pass beyond. 

A fleeting look at their actions. It was enough to overwhelm them. Their friend squeezed their hand one last time.

“Techakana hielo.” I will follow you to the end. 

“You cannot take freedom from those who would see it shared to all. Our lives may be brief, but our meaning will never be lost. Welcome to morning. May the darkness be fleeting and oppression end.”

“3:21. What a time to die.” Their friend spoke.

“Fa. Meistopashei.” No. What a time to live.

And humanity was exhumed, bringing with it an understanding and a hunger for all things diverse and beautiful.

“Like a passage from goodnight moon.”

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Just Keep Swimming

Hey all!

So it’s just about finals week (I have one week left) and for all you college people, you know that the week before is often more hectic than Finals Week itself. I wanted to get back to this blog before, but you know how it is. One day you’re planning a blog, the next day you realize you sound like an incoherent toddler. So anyway, here I am, and I’m running strong.

I wanted to put out a little “yay” me moment, but not really to brag, more as a reaffirmation. I told my boss I wanted to go into rape and sexual assault prosecution and she told me that if I ever needed counselors and the like, to give her a call and she’d help me set up a team. I’m pretty pleased about that. It feels like I’m getting a bunch of signs from the universe to keep going. And so I shall.

This week is the earliest possible week that I could hear about my book-the children’s one about body positivity/safety. I think it’s gonna be a longer wait, but it could happen any day now. So we’ll just keep our fingers crossed!

I know a lot of people don’t “do” astrology, but a bunch of planets are or are approaching retrograde and while Mercury is the end all be all of great communication, Mars and I seem to have a working warrior vibe going. I set my mind to it and it happens. And although there are somethings that I can’t control, I think that part of being successful is just believing in yourself to be so.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a brief update, nothing too heavy for today, but enough to say “Hey” to all my old friend-followers and a big hello and thank you to my newer ones. I am beyond honored to have you feel like my posts are worthy of a read.

I’ll be back sometime soon with more information-ally sound work. The battle rages on!

The Race is On

It is Monday, April 11th. That means that there are exactly 22 days left of my semester. And it is typically known as the time of the semester when literally everything happens at once. Homework, term papers, finals, Camp NaNoWriMo, and not to mention, the weather is, well, let’s just say it’s definitely showing it’s Ohio roots. It’s the last month for things to be done as far as academically before summer and I think that there needs to be a certain degree of haste made. As much as I am looking forward to summer, I feel that if there were just a little more time to be had, I could accomplish something great.

In just one month, I will have exactly a year left of my undergrad life. I have said that same sentence I think three times now. And that’s okay, but this time it’s quite serious. I’ve made the appointment with my advisor and we’ve worked it out so that that deadline will occur. That means that as of May 2, 2017 I will no longer be a student of The Ohio State University (technically May 7, but who’s counting?). That means that I have one year to get everything done that I haven’t yet. And as big as that list might have been before, I think it’s gotten considerably smaller-which is a good thing. But the last few things on the list are more important than ever.

As you might recall (and I know she certainly does), last week I said I had a friend date. That friend date set in motion my blog about resources for sexual violence victims/allies/bystanders which you can find here. But we also discussed what could be done to help educate people about these issues before they need to use those resources-to prevent incidents. And we came up with some really great ideas. But I want to implement those before I graduate (if possible) and that means that on top of school and work, I have to become an intense project planner yesterday. Which can be done. I just hope I’m worthy enough to do so.

I wrote the children’s book, about body safety and image, and it is currently awaiting judgment at an agent’s table, I assume between cups of coffee and other things. The typical wait time is anywhere from 4 weeks to 4 months, and that’s supposing I get any response at all. However, I knew that was the risk with traditional publishing and I would like to try that avenue before I try self-pubbing. Here’s how it goes down in my head. I get notice of acceptance from an agent, I then do some rewriting (because that’s what authors do). After the final draft gets accepted, I will then wait for the illustrator to finish their work and off it will go to be published. IF that happens before I graduate, I would like to start work on what I lovingly have termed: Operation Educate Everybody.  Using my book as a platform, I want to go around speaking to schools about safety and about how to love yourself. I would like to do so with elementary schools, but I would also like to give boys positivity messages to middle and high school students. Then with all that accomplished, I would like to make some presentation material available to colleges-starting with my own. 

I know, this all sounds a little vague. BUT. I also happen to know that all great plans start somewhere. I don’t think I necessarily want to be a public speaker for the rest of my life, but I would definitely like to get some things rolling in that direction. I think that the greatest thing that could happen personally would be for me to go and do a Ted Talk. The greatest thing that could happen period, would be to have more people love themselves and respect themselves.

Anyway,I know that there are any miles to go before I can sleep, but I have a great desire to change the world for the better and I want it to start right now.

What an Effing Nightmare

I’m fat is the stupidest sentence on the whole damn planet. I am not a blob of blubber, just as I am not strep throat or bipolar. I have those things (except for strep-I have had but do not currently). Anywho, I have spent over a decade telling myself this stupid sentence. If you notice, I have no pictures of myself on this blog, I have maybe 3 selfies on Instagram and overall, I really don’t do photographs. But why? Because I’m still trying to figure out how to define myself according to rules which are not that sentence.

  (This picture drives me crazy. At least we’re active, dammit.)

 I have fat. Mostly a lot of it. It’s kind of a big deal. And I hate it. I’ve been weaning myself off of soda (Dr. Pepper is my weakness), and I added a small but intense workout to my daily routine. It’s planks, wall sits and low cardio. And I have chosen to be open and honest about it. Not because I want you all to laugh at me, but because I have a message that others need to hear.

  (These aren’t me, but I think they’re a pretty solid representation of the parts that I keep hidden.)

 I decided I’d had enough of being fluffy. I want to look healthy, not like I do now. I feel embarrassed, and it’s a great source of sadness. I made myself this way, but I also didn’t. I was put on the birth control that allows for 3 periods a year because mine were really painful. And while I was on that birth control, I gained 80 pounds. That’s 4 times more than I gained from mood stabilizers and anti-depressants. I stress ate and that didn’t help at all. But after that, I continued to be large and in charge. Only I wasn’t in charge. I was out of control.

  But what is it that I ate? Salads mostly. And coffee, soda, pizza, spaghetti. My calorie intake was between 1300 and 1600 per day, over half of that was drinks. I ordered low fat coffee from Starbucks if I chose to get anything other than tea. Even now, I eat maybe twice a day, I drink coffee like it’s going out of stock and I drink water, between 2 and 3 bottles a day (unless it’s a hard day and then only 1-which is bad, I know). My calorie intake recently has been between 1400 and 1650, with most of it being creamer and dinner. My breakfast is usually peanut butter toast. Is it super healthy? No. But I should not be obese.

Did that word startle you? It did me too. But it isn’t a death sentence unless you make it so. Which is where we find me this past week. I decided I was far too stressed and I was going to try to get into a regular workout routine. And so far, I’m doing great. But it’s because I know the shitty parts have to end sometime.

  (This is a plank. It’s also called pain.)

 It started out just feeling tired. I felt like my body was at the point of sheer exhaustion. Then came the nausea, the light headedness and the muscle pain. The latter I had expected but the first two I hadn’t. This came on slow and then got worse the more days that passed. Fast forward to today (Okay fine. Today is day 3, but I’m trying darn it!) and I feel like I can only keep water down. Food turns my stomach, I feel really icky on the inside and my muscles are aware that I mean business. And it was in that line of thought that I recalled watching several seasons of The Biggest Loser a few years back. A lot of the people were really sick while they were beginning their workout routines. I remember watching an episode where the woman had to keep stopping to puke because her body was detoxing.

  I brought this up to my husband and he reminded me that I hate eating fast food and that I always get salads and I should be fine. But the thoughts persisted. He asked if I wanted him to work out with me and I said:

No. It’s embarrassing.

He then asked why it was embarrassing that I was making myself into a better me. I shook my head and got down to business. 

  But really. Why is it that I felt like it was embarrassing that I struggle? I’m doing something. I’m trying, which is more than I can say for the old me. It’s really hard. I feel sick, my tummy hurts (because I’ve been doing abs) and I feel all around like a big ball of crap. But I’m already more dedicated than I was in the past, because I’m pushing through the pain and working out anyway. And yes, I still feel a little embarrassed that I can only hold a wall sit for a minute and a half before it feels like someone is sawing off my thighs or that I can only hold a plank for 30 seconds before my flabby arms buckle from stress. But you know what? I’m doing something about it. And maybe today I will go for 2 minutes straight, or learn how to use an elliptical. And the fact that I’m still trying is worth more than the pain.

  

Or at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

What I want people to take away from this, more than anything is that it’s hard. Change always is. And we can sit around waiting for life to correct the travesties it has enacted upon us or we can get up and kick it in the face. I really hate working out. I hate running, I hate lifting, I hate all of it. But I’m not doing all this because I really want to look at the number on the scale and smile. I am, we are so much more than a number. I want to look myself in the eyes in the mirror and be attracted to myself. I want to learn how to take myself out on dates, and have the confidence to walk into the mall and get my hair done or my nails (am I even that person?!) without feeling like everyone is staring at me because my stomach is round. I want you to take away that this sucks worse than anything I’ve ever purposefully done to myself, but I turn my music up that much louder and scream over how much it hurts. Because if I want to be around to see all my reams come true, or to survive the zombie apocalypse, I’m going to need to practice my roar.

  

(I would like to thank Google for always having the pictures I need to make my point.)

But what then?

  For what it’s worth, I have a growth curve, a very noticeable learning curve of sorts. I know that I do not know everything, and that is okay. But I do not see it as a stopping point, as an acceptable place to just stop my curiosity and settle into the routine of all that I do not know. But what I know that I know is that I am but a single drop in a wide ocean. 

I’m reading over lectures, looking at notes for classes I attended and I have a feeling my finals will not be so bad. I like that feeling. I like that there is a little uncomfortablilty, a little stress and then it is all I can do not to check my grades every 30 seconds to see if there’s a possibility that they’ve been updated. I will then embark on a break, being able to do as I please (watch Netflix in my pajamas and drink coffee all day) and then carry on as usual. I live on an eternal clock of semesters and breaks. I sit in classes for 8-9 months of my life, split up with breaks ranging from 3 day weekends to 3 weeks to the entire summer. It’s cyclical and represents the entirety of almost 2 decades of my life.

One day I will leave the academic setting (perhaps). But what then? 

All my life I have been a student. In my earliest childhood, I was learning the faces and smells of my parents, of food. I was learning how to sit up, crawl and then walk. I learned how to hold things and get into trouble. I learned how to emote. In preschool, I learned how to get along with all manner of people, whether they were of different ethnicities, or abilities or had medical conditions. In elementary, I learned how to make friends and be polite. In middle schoool, I learned how to do homework and respect my elders. In high school, I learned how to procrastinate and drink coffee, as well as learning how to unlearn things (like procrastinating). In the first half of my college experience, I learned how to change my life. In the second half, I learned how to be comfortable with not knowing. As I look into the future, I have limited vision. I can only see so much and that’s okay.

So maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe I’ll be a student forever. And that’s okay.