I Just Can’t Even

The thing about life is that it throws you curve balls and you think you have a handle on everything and then there’s another curve in the road and your car topples over, down a cliff and you think “Oh crap! This is it!” And then you wake up and realize it’s not it and you have to keep living each day, even if it’s hard, because you’re still alive and that’s all there is.

I have always been honest about the fact that I am opinionated. But what happens to opinionated people is that they take a stand, and occasionally because of that, they take a fall. I live in the state of Ohio, as I have all my life. And it’s like living in the middle of a political hungry, hungry hippo game, and the people are the balls. Seriously, if there isn’t one thing in the news, it’s another. For example, I go to The Ohio State University (yes, the “The” is capitalized). In this semester alone, we’ve had a bomb threat, a suicide and an accidental death, which resulted in the end of a tradition. Now, that isn’t to say that I do not feel safe, because I went to classes on the day of the bomb threat and came out just fine. However, it seriously has been the worst semester as far as bizarrely awful things. And I mean, with this being a hot spot for political rallies, our campus has been a zoo on the worst days, and little better on the best days. We’re a bunch of kids and early adults, and as developmentally immature future generations, I would like to speak up and say “What the hell?!”

I didn’t come here to complain. In fact, I’ve stayed away from my blog for the past couple days because I just wanted to be alone. I’ve been mad, sad, grumpy, selfish, whiny and a whole host of other not-so-graceful things. But when I started this blog, I said it was my outlet and while I GREATLY appreciate each of you who have followed me, I am not writing for you but rather, for me.

So here’s why I’ve been so angsty. I was writing my book for NaNoWriMo and reached 50k words (yay!). But as December 1 rolled around, I found myself unable to continue. I hadn’t hit a creative block, because I know where my story is going,but I hit a different kind of pause, one where I actually kind of hate my book. I can’t even look at it. So I thought “Hey! I’ll just start a new one!” And when I got to work, I was trying to figure out a working title so I googled my ideas and lo and behold, someone already wrote the damn thing! I was so happy to have come up with a new idea and then so furious that someone beat me to it without my knowledge. So I stopped writing, which led me to not blogging. And now I have returned, idea-less and a little wispy.

I don;t know what to do. Writing has always been “my thing”. I turned to it when I was blue, when I was happy. Words have been my walls, the things which keep me in and others out. I sound so much more elegant when I write than I do in person. And to have no motivation to even catch a line of poetry has been a new experience for me.

It’s like having an itch on your back at that spot where you physically cannot reach so you scratch around it, and it subsides, but you can still feel it. It’s like finally deciding what you want to eat, being able to taste it in your mouth but knowing you don’t have any of it. It’s like waking up mid-dream and vaguely remembering this great idea, but you’re forgetting a really important part. It’s like going into a room and forgetting why, then leaving without remembering it at all. That’s what this feeling is. And it’s so ungodly frustrating. Writing has been my sole way to escape, to create and process. I never thought I was decent at visual art, music is far too personal to be anything less than a blissful experience. Writing was the way I broke through to the inner me and expressed all the things I didn’t want others to see for the exact purpose of letting them see.

So I’ve been on a break from myself. And I want to reconnect, but maybe I just need to let go first.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like A Novel

I’ve been hard at work on my NaNoNovel and there are some really amazing things which have occured. 

First, I’ve crossed the 16k word mark (32% done with NaNoWriMo 2015)

Second, I have a working title: The Queen of Souls.

Third, what started out as a YA Fantasy has now evolved into a ParaRom (something I NEVER expected)

And in honor of all that, for you week 2 spoiler, I have a working synopsis. It may change, but I’m confident that the main bits will remain (however, within 9 days I switched genres, so who knows where we will be by the end!)

Katerina Alkaevna has suffered through everything: losing her family to a fire as a child, an abusive boyfriend and being kidnapped. The only thing she’s never had a chance to do is fall in love. Upon meeting a tall, dark and steamy barista in her local town, she realizes that love might actually be the worst thing to ever happen to her-and that’s after she dies.

 Fighting to end a decades long war between the monarchs and the wasps and bring not only herself, but also her lover back from the dead, Katerina must embrace her destiny or lose everything she’s worked for. A crime of passion put her in this position and it will take nothing less to get her untangled from the threads of fate.

Thankfulness, Day 5

I’m quite sure today was going to be a post about caffeine, about autumn, or about service people. But I want to hold all of those for a moment. Today is a day that really doesn’t mean altogether much to my generation, but I think it should. That may be in part, to the fact that it is a very British day, but I think the point is very universal.

Today is Guy Fawkes Day. And because of that, I am thankful for rebellion. (Look into this day. Really, look past the movie which I have included a picture of. It’s fascinating.)

  Now, why is it that a young woman, such as myself, living in the midwest portion of the United States of America be thankful for REBELLION? 

It is what my country was founded on. An open act of rebellion caused my country ot be formed. And it has continued to do so for many countries since. But I cadnnot say I am a fan of ALL rebellion, for that rwould be too broad a statement. So let me tell you about some of the rebellions that I am actively participating in and how they make me thankful. 

First though, let me define rebellion. For this post, the definition of rebellion I am using is: the open refusal of acceptance of an ideal or action.

I rebel against inequality, against poverty, uneducation, and greed. I rebel against body shaming, stereotypes and hatred. I rebel against boring and unpassionate art. I rebel against anything that says I cannot be everything I dream of being, no matter how “crazy” it may seem. I rebel against oppression and those who would seek to exploit others. 

And the thing is, the more you list things, like I did, the more you realize that life doesn’t have to be all about going with the flow. It can be about changing society, changing the world. That’s a pretty great reason to rebel, if you ask me.

And so, in honor of this day, here’s the poem about Guy Fawkes.

The Fifth of November
    Remember, remember! 

    The fifth of November, 

    The Gunpowder treason and plot; 

    I know of no reason 

    Why the Gunpowder treason 

    Should ever be forgot! 

    Guy Fawkes and his companions 

    Did the scheme contrive, 

    To blow the King and Parliament 

    All up alive. 

    Threescore barrels, laid below, 

    To prove old England’s overthrow. 

    But, by God’s providence, him they catch, 

    With a dark lantern, lighting a match! 

    A stick and a stake 

    For King James’s sake! 

    If you won’t give me one, 

    I’ll take two, 

    The better for me, 

    And the worse for you. 

    A rope, a rope, to hang the Pope, 

    A penn’orth of cheese to choke him, 

    A pint of beer to wash it down, 

    And a jolly good fire to burn him. 

    Holloa, boys! holloa, boys! make the bells ring! 

    Holloa, boys! holloa boys! God save the King! 

    Hip, hip, hooor-r-r-ray!
SOURCE: potw.org

I’ll Never Be

I’ll never be good enough, will I?

Excessive demands around every turn,

Lies that we all tell 

But noone believes.

I’ll never live up to the bar, will I?

The one I set so very high

All starry eyed, 

Looking for that hint of perfection.

I’ll never be perfect, will I?

The way you thought I should be,

The way I should look, or behave, or think

But I don’t.

I’ll never be that girl, will I?

The one with her life together, 

Making strategic moves to get ahead,

Even at the cost of others.

I’ll never be so lifeless, will I?

That when all is said and done,

You’ve lost the me that I’d always bee,

That I always wanted to be.

I’ll never be far away, will I?

Just below the surface of the one

Who was forcefed all the bullshit excuses

About why I could never fit in.

I’ll never be the winner, will I?

Making my way across a size zero, plastic stage

With crimson grimaces in place of 

Raw emotion.

I’ll never be a work of art, will I?

The pristine capture of a timeless tragedy,

Wraught in crisp jackets and perfect makeup

Like a mannequin.

I’ll never be like them, will I?

The ones who think that the only thing that matters

Is the size and color of the skin I wear

Like a toy in a skeeball game.

I’ll never actually care about those things, will I?

I’d neer forgive myself for being a carbon copy

Of the unnecessary lies told by everyone else

When all the world ever needed was someone who told the truth.

But that’s never been my strong point.

So maybe you were wrong.

And the truth was something you murdered a long time ago.

I never gave up.

You did.

You gave up listening, seeing, believing in the truth.

You gave up unconditional love for the immitation.

You gave up looking at the heart inside, didn’t you?

But don’t worry, so did they.

And when they buried me in artificial waste, 

They didn’t know:

I was a seed.

  

NaNoWriMo

Since I learned about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) last November, I’ve really rededicated my life to the pursuit of creativity. This year is no different. I want to take the time to invite you all to write this upcoming NaNoWriMo (November). If you are a member of their website, please feel free to add me as a buddy. My name is Michelle BB there. Of course, if you aren’t into writing, or if you haven’t the time, I encourage you to find your muse in other forms. I’ve been drawing to prep myself for some visual moments and I think I’ll be working on cover art soon. It’s going to be a wonderful November, and I hope to see you all there!

Best,

M.