Survivor’s Guilt

I wanted to share a poem I made in honor of Ulla, of all the friends and friends-of-friends we have lost to depression. I know it’s late. I know. But World Suicide Prevention Day has been on my heart all day. (Following image from Google.)

flower

Survivor’s Guilt 

In the stillness of morning
I seek you out
A touch, a smile
But there’s nothing but silence.
Flip on the lights
Awaken from this nightmare
A yawn, a tear
And then I remember.

I didn’t ask for you to leave
But I never told you to stay
And I didn’t ask if you needed me
Until they buried you.

In the bustle of the afternoon
I search for you
A laugh, a wish
But I wait for the emptiness
Pause at our spot
Bent but unbroken
A sigh, a glance
A confession in waiting

I never stopped to think
You never thought to ask
I didn’t know you were hurting
Until they asked for final words.

I expected to see you
In everything I did
You were there, but not
And I couldn’t stand it
I thought of you today
And realized our inside jokes
Couldn’t matter anymore.
Goodbye, my dear.

Until we meet again.

(c) Michelle BB 2016

Going Dark

I am a hurricane with skin.

I’m falling apart perfectly.

I’m an earthquake between gritted teeth.

I am a massacre with open arms.

I am a plague entombed in jokes and apologies.

I am cosmic radiation in a hoodie.

I am turbulence lulling you to sleep with a song.

I am a sniper with baked goods.

I am fire swirled in a coffee cup.

I am a breakdown that’s gone too far.

I’m a subtle reminder that time doesn’t change.

I’m the weight of the world, on your shoulders.

I am devastating loss with no answers.

I am the teardrops in the rain.

I am depression.

I am rage.

I am loss.

I am conflicted.

I am broken.

I am doubt.

I am a tsunami wrapped up in cells and fat.

I am the pieces on the floor.

I am one of many.

I am the past that keeps you from sleep.

I am the present that feels more like a curse.

I am the future that was taken away.

I am the blackest skies and the deadliest waters concealed in two eye balls and a smile.

I am grief.

I am frustration.

I am hopelessness.

I am darkness.

I am the end.

Just Breathe

If you had to sum up what I am most passionate about in terms of what I blog about most often, that list might look something like:

Women’s Rights

Self-Care

College Life with Bipolar Disorder

Poetry

And if you added in coffee, I would not mark that as wrong. But I want to come at those things from a different angle today. I’m gonna do a humdinger post, where literally all the things come together and we hopefully have a work of art. Might work, might not.

I have a couple months before my lease is up, and my husband and I are looking for a place to move that we can afford with just the two of us (we currently live with roommates). We have one car, and while that doesn’t seem to be bad right now, it means that we don’t have a bunch of space for moving everything all over hell’s half acre. We’re probably going to move again when we graduate, and that’s okay. It also means that there is one fatal flaw to this process.

  

(This isn’t my personal stack of books, but it’s basically the same thing.)

While I may not be a hoarder, I happen to attach emotional value to lots of things-namely books. Every time I approach moving, I discover that somehow I have accumulated a large quantity of knick-knacks. What happens then is something I like to call Purge-aggedon. I go through all of my clothes, my books, movies, general stuff and everything I own and start throwing away or donating whatever I have that I don’t need. It’s akin to shedding off a layer of skin, or getting several feet of hair cut away. It may cause me exceptional amounts of stress, but once it is gone, I feel loads better.

The thing is, like so many people, I create barriers around myself to protect myself from life. I used food as medicine for the longest time, creating a layer of fat to protect my feelings. It was like I had a protective coat which wasn’t me, but would take on all of the negative things from other people. Some walls are not physical, but completely mental and mostly subconscious. I broke through one on accident this semester and it was a disaster. Some walls are very much physical and yet mean so little. I keep clothes which do not fit either in hopes that one day they will or because I feel “rich”because I have multiple things. And while that is all fine and well, sometimes it’s more important to be completely okay with myself as myself rather than the illusion I make of myself. I really hope that makes sense.

  

Anyway, I sat down this morning and actually drank my coffee while watching the sunrise. I took a pause in life, looking at the bigger picture. I didn’t weigh myself down with worries and stress, I just was. And it was wonderful. I know that not everything can be solved by stopping what you’re doing, but one of the most helpful things I learned from a counselor was that if you spend too much time in the past, you’re depressed. If you spend too much time in the future, you’re anxious. If you spend just enough time in the present, you will live life to the fullest.

I’m not an expert in the way life works-or even the way I work. I have good days, bad days, days with both and days with neither. But I know that I left my hair down today, watched the sunrise, drank my coffee slowly and just breathed. I have no idea what the rest of my life holds. But for today, all I need to know is today. And that’s something very doable.

So, it’s clear where two or three of my list comes to play, but what about poetry and women’s rights you ask? I’m glad you brought that up.

Part of what I’ve been doing at work today is working on some ideas about how to help children with body safety (as a stand alone project). And if you can’t see the poetry in a cup of coffee and a sunrise, then I will add in some very lovely words to close.

My eyes, once the vision saw

Melted into the watercolor sky

Without so much as a hello

Without needing to say goodbye.

My heart, once the sun rose 

Fluttered once then stood still

The life which beat within me paused

Then soared out from it’s window sill.

Women’s Rights

I’ve been using my time during Spring Break to work on a scholarship opportunity. I was allowed a short video to talk about the power of women. And I wanted to share it all with you. It’s my take on slam poetry and it’s my first video ever, so I’m actually pretty proud!

Sometimes

Sometimes song lyrics are all you have. As a child, I was deeply enthralled in Madeline L’Engle’s A Wrinkle in Time. And one of the characters used only quotes, because she found an inability within herself to find the right words for her thoughts. That happened to me just a little as a child, but it happens ALL THE TIME as an adult. I struggle for the right words with caution, I try to find what I want to say in as few words as possible. But clearly, I am a writer and words are my friends.

So what am I going to blog about today? I’m gearing up for a super women’s rights post, so today I will take a page from Madeline and just use quotes. These quotes are from all manner of time and space, have meant something to me, have moved me, shaped me or forced me to think and I think it’s fair to say that they are part of who I am. I’ll keep the song lyrics at the bottom!

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. -Frederick Douglass

Hope” is the thing with feathers/ That perches in the soul/ And sings the tune without the words/ And never stops at all. -Emily Dickinson

But I have promises to keep/ And miles to go before I sleep. -Robert Frost

There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me. -Jane Austen

Your heart is bruised, my dear, not broken. The soul is a compass; you will find your way back. -K.A. Scott

All that is gold does not glitter/ Not all those who wander are lost/ The old that is strong does not wither/ Deep roots are not reached by the frost. -J.R.R. Tolkien

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. -Mahatma Gandhi

The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. -Isak Dinesen

————-SONG LYRICS—————

And I’ve tried/ But trying doesn’t always get me there/ and I’m fine/ Even when the way it’s going isn’t fair/ Halfway between somewhere and nothing/ Woke up and I’m twenty something. -Graham Norton

And now I’m itching for the tall grass/ I’m longing for the breeze/ I need to step outside just to see if I can breathe/ Gotta find a way out/ Maybe there’s a way out. -Boys Like Girls (this is my favorite song)

This world will never be/ What I expected/ And if there’s something wrong/ Who would’ve guessed it? -Three Days Grace

I said yep, what a concept/ I could use a little fuel myself/ And we could all use a little change. -Smash Mouth

—————————————-

I decided to end it there, but this may be a multi-part blog. I mean, I have TONS more quotes and I can guarantee there will be days I need to break away from my thoughts. This has been fun!

Every Word’s The Same

I have to say

There seems to be a miscommunication

I thought secrets were for the living

But the only secrets are kept in death

If every second lasted just a second longer

Maybe the trust I thought I deserved 

Would shatter before my eyes

Instead of behind my back

My shoulder blades itch, 

Could you move the knife up and to the left?

Or should I just fall on my face

The beauty of the fall is my disgrace

Is that your heartbeat

Or is it just the echo of a chest that’s hollow

Because you’ve been a tin man your whole life

And I guess that makes me the one without courage.

It takes a tribe to raise a kid, but 

Maybe it was a village of idiots.

You thought you were so clever, so sweet

That I could save you from your own disasters 

You should have looked for a parachute

Because this plane’s about to go down.

I never thought it’d come down to this

A thief and a liar, oh but the twist,

We are the same, you and I

Connected by the handcuffed scars on our wrist.

  (Photo from Pinterest!) 

Thankfulness, Day 22

Yesterday I left you all, and myself, with the thought that the sun will rise again. Normally, the husband and I wake up with the sun. Its rays come into our room and we are greeted by it. As I sit here and work on some homework and what nots, I’m looking out the window to our balcony and watching the clouds. Today is the kind of clear that makes everything seem so crisp. The clouds are huge cotton candy, the sky itself is the blue you read about. There are pockets of sunshine which dance on the puddles from the rain last night. 

  At night, even though I live in the city and it’s hard to see, I know there are millions and billions of stars. Planets gleaming down at me, comets, asterods and space debris. The blackened sky is velvet, the way I always knew it would be. The moon is up there too, a disc of bright hope, drawing everyone in waves. The clouds disappear gradually so that you really feel like if you try hard enough, you could see all the way to the edge of the universe.

  Isn’t that one of the first things you imagine? Being up there, amongst the ancestors and balls of gas? What’s out there? Are we alone? And so you begin to plan a way to find out.

Today, I am thankful for dreams. Not necessarily the kind you have in REM, but the kind that allows your imagination to run freely. The kind you get in trouble for having while you’re supposed to be focused on the task at hand. The kind that gives you fuel when you’ve forgotten why it is you struggle through the day. You give yourself into them, and you find yourself remembering the way you used to feel when your dreams were simple.

It’s easy to look at the past with rose colored glasses. To see what you had when you had it and wish you had it back. But the thing is, what you have now, what I have now, is what I was working for then. I didn’t know how hard it would be, I didn’t know what struggles were waiting for me. I didn’t know what great moments I would have. But I know that one day I will look back on the now, smile and shake my head. I can’t see all the messages and signs that the good things and bad things are teaching me. I can’t see where I’m going, I don’t have all the answers. But I know that I have new dreams and they will take me where I need to go. Until then, I just need to work hard and remember the value of dreams.