Time May Change Me

I feel like I need to step away from the facts, the stats, the in-your-face business for a minute (just a minute) and speak about my own life. I don’t mean that in an egotistical way, I just want to document some things before I get back to being a loud-and-proud feminism activist.

I’ve been working on a project, which has the potential to be the biggest, most life changing project I may ever get the chance to be a part of-and as soon as I get the proposal submitted, I’ll tell you all about it. I’m sure you can guess-it’s got lots of caffeine inspiration and some very epic ideas for change and a brighter future.

I like to think of myself as an introvert inside an extrovert’s body. I really like to hang out with a limited amount of people-but my goals and aspirations require me to be very upfront and outspoken to large masses of people. It’s a lot of stress for one person. That stress translates to weight issues. I mean, I’m not really upset by it anymore-because I only get one body and the more I understand myself and my destiny, the less I hate who I am (funny how that works)-but this whole anxious person hits a wall when it comes to that very topic.

I want to workout. I want to swim everyday, I want to work on my core muscles and maybe even do a little boxing or something that’s useful as self-defense. But. I don’t want anyone to see me do it, or to help me. I’m only just learning how to love myself but that doesn’t mean my self-esteem has been built up yet. I don’t have workout clothes, can’t afford to go out and get any, and even if I did, I have no idea how to use the equipment. All of that, combined with me having a real issue with going new places, being surrounded by people I don’t know and not liking to appear stupid means that the gym is not place for Michelle. And the swimming pool? There are beautiful people with golden tans who make me look-and feel-like a big albino elephant. I’m not saying that for sympathy. I know that no one can make me feel inferior without my consent.
And running? I think not. If there is one thing I absolutely hate in this world it is running. So I’ve started using twelve pack cases of soda as dumbbells. My arms are sore, but at least I can say I can “lift” 10 pounds per arm.

I’ve started work on two novels. One is inspired by real life-about my struggle with self harm and you know, life. One is a more dime store romance novel that’s basically just me trying to tap into some unused creative voices. I’ve written nearly 10K words in the first and a thousand in the second (which I only started today). I’m developing the power of words and I think that’s a great thing. More than most things, I wish to be a writer. I just want to be able to do what I love-and that is helping people and writing.

I’ve really been getting into spirituality and meditation. I mean, I was before, but I’m trying to incorporate it into each and every day. It’s a little hard when Ben and our housemates are home, but I try. In fact, that’s how I’ve managed to get my proposal for the project done.

I’ve narrowed down my list of law schools to 13-which I will be applying to in THREE MONTHS. My life just keeps plugging away and I can hardly contain my excitement. I mean-in three months I ask colleges to look at my applications and take a chance on a girl from the midwest with a heart full of passion and a brain full of song lyrics and sarcasm. And then in just about six months, I’ll find out which ones believed in me!

I suppose that’s about all for now. ❤

It’s the Little Rays of Sunshine

Hey all, just stopping in to say a quick thank you, and to give ya’ll a life update.

I’m super swamped right now, I’ve been trying to reply to all ya’lls comments, trying not to be rude and the like. I’m actively job searching, I’m apartment searching, I’m literally searching for everything. It looks like I’m not going to get the other post done today (Sunday) but I sure will try to get it finished Monday. It’s a really hard one for me to write, because it’s so personal, but I’m doing my very best.

So my thank yous.

Thank you to my new followers, my old followers, and the people who simply stumbled upon my blogs by some delightful happenstance and decided to stay a while. I’m delighted to have you, feel free to poke around a bit and ask questions. I delight in conversation.

Thank you to everyone who has opened up and shared their stories, their ideas and thoughts. I feel so incredibly honored to have been privy to that information. I’ve done my best to reciprocate, because sharing is caring.

Thank you to everyone who speaks from their heart. It’s the most important thing in the world.

I suppose that’s all for now.

May your depression be little, your mania be the nice kind and your inner demons chill out.

My hope for the rest of the month is to get some personal accomplishments done (which I inevitably will discuss here), write a blog about a depression action with a letter, a lifestyle and a love story. These are my goals, we’re hoping to get it done.

Many blessings upon you, may light and love shine in your life and in your hearts.

XO,

M.

Life Update

Captain’s log, Star Date 93978.45 (Yes, I looked it up and made sure it was the right date.)

In all the wonderful things which may happen to a person, this week (for reasons which I hold firmly in my belief system) has been such a bountiful treasure. My little apartment garden is up and thriving (little cilantro and tomato plants are cropping up!), I’ve had THE most successful blog I’ve EVER done (thanks you guys!) and I’ve been offered an interview at a place I’d love to work on Thursday. On top of that, I am now a contributor for The Mighty! I’d like to thank and welcome my new followers, and extend many loving thank yous to my lasting followers. I am beyond blessed.

I have chosen to believe that all things will work out for the best. That I am going to be able to do what I have set out to accomplish, that I will make it with some success and that I will be happy. And depending on how this interview goes, we might be moving closer to my new job. Which is also pretty cool. But we haven’t really decided anything yet, and therefore I cannot speak about that much.

I cannot be so presumptuous to think that these masterpieces of situations are all due to me. I know that somewhere out there, I’ve had a lot of prayers whispered over me, I’ve had the guidance of the best parents, the hopes of teachers who truly cared, and the blessings of the deities who watch out for me. I just start the ball rolling. It’s all about where I put my intentions.

Coming up this week: be on the look out for a blog about the “grey areas of suicide” and the “realities of self-harm in a post-emo adult world” as well as something about my topic of existence: bodily safety. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll write something a little more artsy-fartsy about purpose and meaning in life, but we’ll just have to see.

This is my masterpiece. And I won’t stop til it is beautiful. (Thanks for those words, Andy Grammar.)

A Delight

Yesterday was the last day of classes (unofficially) for me. I still have finals and I have work, but it is the last time that I will need to bring a pen and paper with the express purpose of taking notes. And that serves as more than enough reason to reflect. Reflection is something I do quite a bit, but since it’s the end of something and the beginning of something else, I think it’s worth it.

August 2015: Moved to the big city. Started college at the big campus. Was entirely overwhelmed and became a recluse, having frequent panic attacks and long periods of depression.

September 2015: Began looking for a job. Driving was non occurent. Stayed home as often as I could. Panic attacks frequent in car.

October 2015: Admitted I needed a mental health day for the first time. Anxiety levels still high.

November 2015: Found job. Made an effort to sit in car longer. Began more attentively budgeting.

December 2015:  Made resolution to drive more. Began working on deciding what I wanted to do with my life.

January 2016: Went to job and class, drove to the store only-with husband.

February 2016: Began to discover women’s issues as field of interest. Took LSAT for law school.

March 2016: Convinced women’s issues are “my thing” and received LSAT scores. Began looking at law schools.

April 2016: Drove self to school each day, narrowed down schools, began Operation: Educate Everybody

May: I guess we’re about to find out.

This summer will be hectic. And I will love every minute of it. I’m planning to get some serious balls rolling, including a new and improved list of resources, which will be just bursting with information for everyone. I’m very excited about it. This summer I will be working my absolute hardest to do something I haven’t before: acted on a passion. And it took more growth than I knew it would to get here. Now that I have roots, it’s time to rise and shine.

Step one of O:EE complete. Now on to phase two.

Just Keep Swimming

Hey all!

So it’s just about finals week (I have one week left) and for all you college people, you know that the week before is often more hectic than Finals Week itself. I wanted to get back to this blog before, but you know how it is. One day you’re planning a blog, the next day you realize you sound like an incoherent toddler. So anyway, here I am, and I’m running strong.

I wanted to put out a little “yay” me moment, but not really to brag, more as a reaffirmation. I told my boss I wanted to go into rape and sexual assault prosecution and she told me that if I ever needed counselors and the like, to give her a call and she’d help me set up a team. I’m pretty pleased about that. It feels like I’m getting a bunch of signs from the universe to keep going. And so I shall.

This week is the earliest possible week that I could hear about my book-the children’s one about body positivity/safety. I think it’s gonna be a longer wait, but it could happen any day now. So we’ll just keep our fingers crossed!

I know a lot of people don’t “do” astrology, but a bunch of planets are or are approaching retrograde and while Mercury is the end all be all of great communication, Mars and I seem to have a working warrior vibe going. I set my mind to it and it happens. And although there are somethings that I can’t control, I think that part of being successful is just believing in yourself to be so.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a brief update, nothing too heavy for today, but enough to say “Hey” to all my old friend-followers and a big hello and thank you to my newer ones. I am beyond honored to have you feel like my posts are worthy of a read.

I’ll be back sometime soon with more information-ally sound work. The battle rages on!