Exhumed.

There’s a line in Warm Bodies in which one of the main characters, Julie, states: “I think some day someone is going to figure this whole thing out and exhume the whole world.” And I keep thinking about it.

I stepped away from this blog with every intention of coming back someday. And then day by day, the processes slipped into something that felt impossible. I stopped looking at this place for what I had built it up to be and started seeing it for everything it wasn’t. Sometimes life gets that way.

And I guess what I’m saying is that I still don’t know if this is the part of my story where I come back and blog. I have a little soul searching left to do. But I’m here, I see you glorious few who come to check in on me. And I appreciate you so much.

The bottom line is that we’re all surviving as best we can, and sometimes that looks a lot like hibernation and waiting for the moment of being exhumed.

This One Has an Update In It

I figured it had been a while, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t leaving anyone high and dry.

I’m now successfully beyond the caffeine-and-preservative withdrawals. I’ve been off soda (pop) for 2 months now and it’s going well. The longest I’ve been without it is 6 months, so still a while to go before I beat my record, but darn it, it’s a start. Next steps: remove the sugary drinks from my life: like pre-made tea. This one is going to take a WHILE. Especially because I actually enjoy them for taste not energy.

I had a super successful KissPitch-with 5 likes on a single pitch! I’m approaching 4 weeks on a few queries and I’m (im)patiently waiting. But I’m also writing a new book, just in case I get lucky!

What else? Apart from the snow days, my MSW placement is going super well! I’m learning a ton and I really feel like I’m reaching new levels of awareness. I told everyone in my private life and now I can talk about all the reasons I left law school with all the people who want to know.

And speaking of school, I’m closing in on the halfway point of my program! It feels like I’m ready to get out there and make changes. B got into his PhD program! So this summer we’ll be moving once again (for the last time for a while). We’re both super excited, and I look forward to getting back to culture!

I’ve been focusing on self-care lately, and it’s been paying off. I’m mostly just ready to be moving along in the process.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say I’m still floating!

I’ll have more fun articles soon!

It’s Been A Beautiful Journey

Change is hard.

When I started this blog, I had hopes that it would be like a journal to track this amazing progression. From not knowing anything about life to making my life into something great. And it’s been a really wild thing. I went from abstract writing pieces to mental health advocacy to political work to coping mechanisms and then some. And that’s been really cool.

But I can’t justify keeping this blog open for the nostalgia of it. I start more blogs than I finish, I post once a month and I’ve lost my passion somewhere along the way. And that’s not what I wanted. Now I’m at a crossroads. I can try to “fake it til I make it” and put fluff pieces up until I feel real again, or I can say goodbye.

I started out with great intentions. I wanted to be edgy and hipster and fantastic-with pieces that changed people’s minds and opened their hearts. But somewhere along the way, I lost that. And I can’t wait for it to come back. I have to go out and find it.

So this isn’t goodbye forever. This is goodbye until.

Until writing makes me feel alive.
Until blogging is passionate.
Until I discover what it is that I’m searching for.

Change is hard. But I was never meant to live on the sidelines anyway.

I’ll check the comments for a while-because I’ve made such wonderful friends along the way and I don’t want to lose you. I just don’t want y’all to feel like I dropped off the face of the planet without notice.

Live well.

Things Change, and So Will You.

Speak your truths, even if your voice shakes. -Maggie Kuhn

If you ever find yourself a stranger to your own heart, I hope you find your way back and remember that things change, and you will also. -Zaim Ricochet

I’ve been bouncing between these quotes lately, and I think that there’s no better a time to do a mental purge than when your path is opening and closing doors simultaneously. It starts with a card.

I felt this great change coming, but I also felt kinda stuck, and knowing that I was going to psych myself out over what it was that I was missing, I pulled a card. And of course I pulled the Devil-which is actually way more helpful than I was expecting. I was standing in my own way. I was blocking my own opportunities. A classic Micha move. So I began opening up. Saying yes. Giving myself opportunities to explore. And I was allowed to see just how I was stopping myself from living.

I told myself that I was going to take this semester and live, not just get by. I would go out and see Topeka, make it my home. I would go use the gym, something that gave me great anxiety. I would do my best to be a human. And so in this first month, I went to a chocolate walk with friends, I worked out on machines I still don’t know the name of, I donated power red (instead of whole blood) and I am in the final stages of being vegetarian (next up-vegan!). I am giving myself room to grow. And that’s when doors started opening.

I heard back from my program: I’m now a JD/MSW candidate, and I start my MSW prep this weekend. I’m making exceptional strides at the gym (and even ran for the first time yesterday). I’m reinvesting in my spiritual health and even, finally, have moved beyond soda. At long last, I am treating my life the way it should have been treated all along.

Which brings us back to the quotes.

I let Kansas get to me. I allowed Kansas to claim my passion and my strength and I succumbed to the “blend in” mentality. And I digested it so much that I began to forget my truths. The very things that made me who I am. And I recognized that as my Devil. I should never have compromised.

I think that’s the real lesson of year one of law school. How much of you do you retain? How much of it are you willing to reclaim?

I’d finally gotten to the point where I was done with being pushed to the side because I wasn’t fitting in to the “standard” or “socially constructed as acceptable” point of view. I was done with being told that my ideas were stupid and impossible. I was done with being marginalized because I was the only representative of my truths at the table. And that is when I started closing doors.

Closing the door to being brushed aside. Closing the door on inequality. Closing the door on permitting close mindedness.

I didn’t come to law school to be a mouse. I came to save the world.

And I’ll be damned if that doesn’t start by saving myself.

Live From Law School

Hi there everyone!

I wanted to give you all a little blurb about my first month of law school. I’m starting week four with a bang-or rather, with a really horrendous cold! Because of the attendance policies of law school, I was able to miss one class this morning, but showed up for my afternoon class. Honestly, I’m not sure it was helpful to me, but my name was on the attendance roster, and that’s a start. Now, I’ve been very good about medicating-I’ve got some serious DayQuil/Advil action going on, and I’ve been hydrating and other self-care recommendations. But I didn’t come here to talk about my cold!

What they tell you: Law school is hard-in a different way than undergrad. It’s supposed to stretch you as a human being and make you think like a lawyer. It will prove useful in all facets of your life, not just the ones that you would think. It will make you more annoying to be around, because you’ll analyze everything. It will force you to work on yourself in and out of the classroom.

What they don’t tell you: You will think about quitting every day for what feels like forever. You will feel completely worthless. You will hate the amount of homework you have. You will debate changing your life, settling for a career that is “kinda” what you want.

And then you’ll get out of the first two weeks and realize that this is something you can handle-it was all just an adjustment period, testing the unfathomably steep learning curve. And you’ll grow accustomed to the labor intensive study patterns, the crappy food plans and the weird cravings for comfort food in the middle of the night. You’ll discover a coping pattern for mornings-which usually require copious amounts of caffeine. You might even discover that you like mornings (I think that day is still a long way off for me, but we’ll get there).

Law school is this weird place where you bring a hundred people and on the first day you’re all strangers, but by the second week you have a core of friends who know everything about each other. You spend all day every day with those same people and suddenly you have friends that you respect, trust and celebrate with-even though you have no idea who they were before.

I came to law school thinking I was a good student. I have decent grades from both high school and undergrad. I thought I knew who I was, what I stood for and believed and that this would just be a quick two or three years of teaching me the requisite knowledge to become a legal professional. Read: this was a means to an end. And if I made friends, that would be great. If I managed to find people that I could enjoy coffee with-who also shared my passion, great. But if none of those things occurred, I would not be upset. 

My first month here has been, well, eye opening. I’m a good student-but I was not a good law student before. Now, I understand the change I needed to make. I’ve found that in the last few weeks, I’ve discovered more about myself than I have since my freshman year of high school. I have a new perspective and it shifts slightly every day, as I learn more. And friends? I have a group of them-5 people in fact, who I believe are the foundation for the best years of education of my life.

Life isn’t all about the expectation. You can plan and plan and in the end, it may not be the way you thought it would. And that was the biggest lesson of all. That no matter how much I thought I knew, how much I planned, some things are just gonna happen-without your permission. Your job isn’t to fight it, but to adapt.

Lawyered.

Time Flies

Heavens! Where has the time gone?

I finished undergrad!

Mercury retrograde ended!

I’m running a book giveaway! (Check it out: here!)

I’ve opened my Etsy shop! (Check it out: here:))

I’m preparing for law school-going about my daily duties like a mad woman. I’ve applied to jobs-which will be something. I don’t know that I’ve had a chance to accept that I’ve successfully completed a huge milestone-but I’m confident that will come up soon.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month ended, Mental Health Month began.

I’m going to have a couple excellent posts coming up: one about healthcare, one about a new book press, one about…well, you’ll have to stay tuned!

Stay safe. Stay valid.

M.

All For One and One For All

Feel overwhelmed each time you turn on the news? It looks more and more like a scary world out there. And to some extent, that is true. It’s so frustratingly easy to get overwhelmed and afraid, being paralyzed by it. And I get asked the question a lot: how do I keep fighting even though I feel like I’m not making a difference? Here’s what I told someone.

Resist, persist, insist, enlist. The right path is not always the easy path, but it is always right. You bring so much kindness and spunk and thought to the world. And so I will share a story. When the votes were tallied and 45 became 45, a professor asked what she was supposed to tell of students-many of whom were voting in a presidential election for the first time. And here is what I told her: Tell us it is possible to lose a battle and still win the war.

Right now, we are winning some and losing others. It’s a fight which is taking every ounce of sanity we have. But we’re doing “it”. Not because it’s easy, but because it is right. We’re seeing good people step forward, perhaps for the first time. And that’s where I think you can help most. Kindness is contagious. If one person sees it, they spread it. We just need someone to start the chain. Each day, something small. You’ve been campaigning for the earth mother and for people for as long as I’ve known you, at least. Plant some flowers, give them away. Plant some kindness, watch it bloom. And whether you see it immediately or not, millions are right beside you, planting.

💙💙💙

But first thing’s first-self care. Remember to heal yourself before you take on the world.

_______________________________________________________

You see, what the world needs more of isn’t business, infrastructure or money. The world needs more kindness, acceptance and happiness. We need to treat other human beings as our equals, giving them the same love and attention that we ourselves need. But what about the earth? That’s something that needs our devotion too-but it’s much bigger than any one of us.

So here’s what we can do.

Start small. Be kind as often as you can, and start with being kind to yourself.

Dream big. If you want to change the world, you have to have a pretty big idea in mind.

Find your passion. If you feel really strongly about feeding the homeless, saving the bees, reducing polar ice loss, caring for the sick or fixing a broken social institution, pursue it. Now is the time to make those changes, to start movements.

Get involved. Find organizations that support what you do and see how you can help. Time is just as valuable as money.

_______________________________________________

It’s a hard fight we’re in for. To change the world requires nothing less. But to reiterate what I said above, nothing that is worth having comes easy.

And it is on that note, that I must impress upon you that what the world needs most is for you to realize that you have the power to be important. It does not matter what age you are, what ethnicity or gender or health status. It does not matter what religion, what political opinion, what country you belong to. It does not matter what your cultural heritage is, who you love, or what your socioeconomic status is. You have the power to be a positive force in the world.

I’ll wrap up with a story.

As I was helping some protests in my area concerning the Dakota Access Pipeline, several people were speaking about the reasons they were there. Many spoke of the injust treatment of the First Nations, many spoke of the need for clean water (I live just a few short hours from Flint, Michigan-another hotspot for water need). Some spoke of feeling “the call”-the feeling that they needed to be present. But no matter the reason, we all came together because it was something we felt needed to be done. Soon after, our governor recalled the police officers he’d sent to Standing Rock-because we were present.

As I was attending political conventions and rallies this last year, opinions and emotions ran high. There were central issues discussed, there were concerns presented and voices raised. We came because we were concerned, many of us were scared. We showed up. As I lobbied for better mental health laws, for human rights bills, for individual liberties and freedoms, thousands and millions of people were with me, marched with me, called with me, fought with me.

These big actions are not so different from the ones we take every day. Coping with depression, caring for a disabled loved one, sacrificing wants for needs, forgiving people who have wronged you, working hard to graduate or get a promotion or maybe even just getting a job in the first place. We use what we have to keep going.

That’s how you carry on. That’s how you win. You show up, be present. Keep fighting. Be kind.

You are valid. You have worth. You are irreplaceable.

Opinions are like…

As you may find, there will be times in your life when you’ve made the decision that’s best for you and suddenly people are coming out of the woodwork to tell you their take on it. They might mean well, but ultimately, you probably didn’t ask for their opinion in the first place.

There are a couple competing factors in my life right now, and that’s where this all stems from. First-law school. Second-the move associated with it. Third-my new artwork. There are a couple more, but this is probably a solid start.

I told my parents about law school, told several people at the university, told my in-laws. And each of them had a thought. Some of them were quite welcome, some not so much. Naturally, as news does, my upcoming decision spread. Through the course of that spread, an acquaintance told my mom that I shouldn’t move to one of the schools because they were moving there and it would be awkward. One person told me that I was mistaken to have applied to one of the schools. Several people didn’t even say congratulations before telling me that I was moving too far away. I had a lot of people tell me I was moving too far actually.

And my artwork, well, that would be my tattoo. The one I got so I could look at it everyday and remind myself that I control my future, and that if I’m unhappy I have the power to change it. That one. Most people have been very supportive. And yet, there have been those who immediately cracked down on the “regret”, “mistake” and “you shouldn’t have”. I expected that when  I got it, I’ll be honest. Did I roll my eyes? Of course I did. But here’s why.

I make the decisions in my life. I account for my husband and our dog. I know better than outsiders about my finances, my life choices and my motives for doing things. If you don’t sit down with me and do my budget, research schools, spend countless hours looking at statistics for our new home-then you have really no business telling me how to run my life. I choose what I do because it fulfills one of two requirements. One: it makes me happy. Two: it’s the best option for my family. And that’s that.

This whole month has been an experience in brushing things off. And although I can’t say that I’ve succeeded in letting nothing get to me, I’m much more capable of it than before. So naturally, I have some things that helped me.

1. Sort out the message from the words. Maybe that advice giver had a great point about your decision that you want to consider further. But maybe it’s lost in their opinion. Chuck the opinion out and work on the “good stuff”.
2. Check yourself. Leave your sensitivities at the door. If you let every single thing get under your skin, it’s gonna be a long day. Are there some things you should be frustrated about? Sure! But not everything-or you’ll go mad.
3. Choose wisely. As I said, I knew there would be naysayers about my tattoo-so I was prepared. I should have been prepared for the people who did that to my law school choices, but I wasn’t. So I spent longer than I should have working through it.
4. Work through it. Forgiveness, as I learned from a trusted “advisor” isn’t a one-and-done event. It’s constantly choosing to forgive them over being hurt. Holding on to that anger hurts you more than it hurts them. Really.
5. Self care. Seriously. Making big life decisions is hard enough without adding in unwanted opinions. Make sure that you’re caring for yourself on all levels-including taking time to just do nice things for yourself. It can make all the difference and you’ll be better off.

One last unsolicited piece of advice (hah-get it? Because this post is…nevermind): don’t sink. I know how easy and tempting it is to smear people with little passive aggressive messages. I do. But you made the choices because they were best for you. Don’t jeopardize that by stooping. You do you!

Reminders from the Universe

I think it’s really easy to get caught up in life, in the way it makes you feel or overwhelms you. And I’ll be honest, I have those pestering thoughts about where I’m taking my life. I worry that I burn so brightly that I’ll burn out and be of no help to anybody. And I thought about what I might do if I walked away from everything-from justice, from law, from my home and just started over some way. I think that you think about that a lot when you have depression or anxiety or whatever. Just starting over. Taking the knowledge you had and using it to make better choices. But to that effect, I offer a quote:

“But then I wondered how I’d feel… Would I feel relieved or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word “I”. And Probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there’s like seven billion other people out there on the planet…But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that’s probably a much better use of my time.” -Mia Thermopolis, The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot.

And in the grogg of all that, a news story came across my FB feed. Now, before you roll your eyes, let me just say that I don’t take things at face (lol pun!) value-I investigate. So when I saw the article, I left Facebook and began my search. It was like getting punched in the face. 

If you search “16 year old received no jail time”, there comes a list of stories that aren’t for the faint hearted. They range from racial bias to toddlers to every manner of monster available. And that was when I stopped thinking about myself for a minute. I detached as much as I could and just thought. No amount of me feeling sorry for myself or scared of what the future holds makes any difference. I know that what I want is difficult and scary and it means that I need to be able to hold my own at all times-even in the worst of my bad days. Why?

Because if I don’t keep burning brightly, how will these problems be illuminated? If I don’t keep speaking up, who will speak for the children who can’t, for the people who are scared? They deserve their justice, their safety-just as much as I do. And if no one will help them, I will.

I force myself to read each news story that comes across my feeds. I read them and I burn a little brighter, a little stronger. I don’t know if that’s good or bad-but as far as I can tell, it’s how it has to be. Why? Because this cannot be. There are judges across the country who aren’t holding up the law. They’re letting criminals of the worst kind fall between the cracks. I can’t sit by, in my fear and worry while the last stronghold of justice fails.

And that’s why no matter how scared I am, no matter how frustrated and tired I will become, I have to keep fighting. If not for me, for the people who need me and for the future. So stay tuned for a blog in the future where I tell you which law school I will be attending.

Updated Thoughts

I was able to pick a final project for my social work class that I am beyond excited to do. I am writing a bill of rights for sex trafficked individuals, akin to the one which was introduced for sexual assault survivors. My bill will be able to be sent in (which I intend to do) to government and hopefully become a bill. Now, I know there is a lot of work to be done between now and then, but I am incredibly excited to work on it. I’ll be using this as a stepping stone for my IMADTTO project’s continuation.

On a similar side note, there’s still no word out from the law schools I applied to. The earliest I could hear from someone is February 28-which is just about three weeks away. Trust and believe, I am counting down the days and I check every day to see if there is an update. I’ve got so many balls in the air metaphorically that I know one of them has to be a keeper. So I wait. I’m not saying I’m patiently waiting, but I’m waiting.

I applied for a scholarship program with one of the schools I applied to that could give me full tuition in scholarships. I have never (and I mean never) hoped I get something more in my life. This would be a complete game changer and is something I am very hopeful about. I’ve also applied to a few opportunities which are similar, and I’m very hopeful for those as well. It will directly determine where I am going to law school.

I’m working with my department at work to host a drive for the homeless shelter at my school (Star House), so I’m pretty excited about that. If you’re interested in learning more about it, you can do so here. We’re going to be collecting very necessary items to keep the house running and I won’t lie-it feels great to be able to do some good in the world. It keeps me going.

I am also working on two novels. One of them is well on its way, and emotionally wrecking so I have to take it in slow paces. The other is an epistolary (letter based) novel which is thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. I enjoy them dearly and I will let y’all know when I’m closer to making important headway.

On a final note for the day, support each other. Help others out. Be kind-not only to others, but to yourself. You matter. You do.